BS Club Minutes February 20, 2013
No Entrée Vous if vous do not care por le carefree use du Francais et le careless use de your time
Date: Mon Frere’s Birthday!!!
Temps: 23 degrees – tres nice après une fraud start to le jour at only 6 degrees….brrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Meeting Place: Le Condo
Attendez: Ma mere, Ma soeur, Les Chats: Maxwell Smarte et Morrie Amsterdam, et moi
Refreshmentes: Dip du les Tacos et Chips du les Tortillas
Official Business: Good news, non official business ce soir
BS Topics et conversations
Moi: “Monsieur oh monsieur, was it windy yesterday.”
BS Chorus: “How windy was it?”
Moi: “It was so windy that there was une sign at mon dentist that said, ‘Open le door avec caution, s’il vous plait.‘ Mais it should have said, ‘For le love of Mon Dieu! Do not open this door unless you must et if you must, do not open it more than une inch et then squeeze your derriere in here as vite as vous can et then close it tight behind your sorry ass, s’il vous plait.’ “
Ma mere: “Oui, it was tres horrible et freezing fraud. I had to go outside, parfait it was une importante day to vote. Since I was out to cast mon vote I did all de mes errands. I picked up les tax papers from le tax monsieur, I got une bague du les groceries from le store du les groceries, I bought les stamps at l’office de le post, et then I stopped in por mon hair productes at la salone du beauty. I must remembre to cancel mon appointment por le doctor on Friday. I heard that it is going to snow!”
Ma soeur: (Who did not take her eyes off de la televisione) “All de les talk shows tell les audiences that they are to wear bright et solid coloured shirts.”
Moi: “How do you know?”
Ma soeur: “Parfait, I watched tres many shows when I had mon broken ankle et was stuck on le recliner. I noticed that all de les audiences wore bright et solid coloured shirts, accept por une isolated incedente when le camera scanned les studio audiences for Katie Curic, there was une clueless mademoiselle who must not have gotten le memo. She wore une plaid shirt et every time they showed les studio audiences, she was all that vous could see. It was tres embarrassemente, really.”
Ma mere et moi looked at la televisione to see what les studio audiences at le Jeopardy show were wearing. Ma mere said she did not care por le polka dot dress la mademoiselle contestante was dressed in, mais le camera did not scan les studio audiences soon enought et soon we forgot about it altogether.
Ma mere: “I know how MiMi says ‘e-x-a-c-t-l-y’ so precisely et pronounces le ‘c’, le ‘t’ et le ‘ly’ so tres clear et smooth.” (MiMi is ma soeur-in-law, et we spend beaucoup time trying to talk le way she does.) “She exaggerates le, a-a-a-a-a-a, part et that is how she does it.”
We all unsuccessfully tried it once again por another ten minutes that we will never get back once again, even with le helpful hint we still could not say it like ma soeur-in-law.
Moi: “I acccidentement stepped on ma chats paw ce morning avec mon boote. She ran in between mes feetes as I was taking les foods to her dish. She was tres pissed about it. Then she ran et hid in le basement et would not come out until I was ready to leave et then she skitted off when she saw mon bootes coming toward her.”
Ma soeur: “I did not get any sleep last night, parfait mon chat, Francois, was screaming at another chat through le sliding glass door all de la evening long. “He was tres upset about that chat in our yard et then on our deck. I have never seen Francois so upset.”
Moi: “What did Anita la Beth do while this was going on?” (Anita la Beth is ma soeur’s other chat)
Ma Soeur: “She was taking une bathe. She likes les skunks et les squirrels. Chats do not bother her, parfait she lived at le Clinic du LaVeterinary after Anita la Beth (a mademoiselle) found her in le dumpster when she was just une petite kitten et before Luanne (mon niece) begged moi to keep her. Anita la Beth still likes to sit under le empty clothes basket in le living room.”
Moi: “Le mademoiselle or la chat?”
Then ma mere called mon frère on le telephone to wish him une tres happy birthday. She left une message avec mon nephew parfait T.J. was not home.
Maxwelle Smarte posed avec his tattered cube that he brought up from la basemente et Morrie Amsterdam admired his tres strong, smarte et talented frere from his most favorite stool in front de la fire.
“Remembre when we replaced le word ears with boobs?” I said.
“Mais, non, I do not. We did not do that,” answered ma soeur.
“Yes, we did.”
“Non, we did not.”
“Yes, we did.”
“Non, we did not.”
“Well, I did.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“Yes, I did.”
Then ma mere said, “I remembre when I saw some that hung low por le first time. It was at My Fair Lady.”
“You saw some at a movie?”
“Mais non. My Fair Lady was la name de la place du les exercises. It was in le dressing room. I had never seen le likes.”
Por le record, ma mere was not talking about les ears.
Ma soeur: “Mon amie’s frère-in-law used to have une tres terrible et stressful job, mais not anymore.”
BS Chorus: “What happened?
Ma Soeur: “He got une neuvaux job at le same place, mais, it is even more terrifyingly, terrible et even more stressisfyinlgly, stressful than le last job that he had.
Moi: “Oh, c’est domage.”
Ma Mere: “Oui, c’est tragique.”
Ma soeur: Mon amie said her soeur-in-law is tres happy, parfait now her husband is so filled avec les stresses that he is not even interested in les sex.”
Moi: “Et she is happy about that?”
Ma Soeur: “Oui, she said her frere-in-law used to be une pesky old horn dog, mais, now that he is inundated avec les terifying stresses her soeur-in-law is able to catch up on her rest de la beauty et she looks tres jolie.”
Ma mere announced that she heard on le news that Yoko Ono turned eighty et we all spit out our drinks in surprise.
Then we discussed all de les upcoming events. Thursday is la commencement de une tres actione packed weekend. It is Le Soir Du Fun, at le elementary ecole, et le next jour there is no ecole et les studentes who are going on le annual trip to Washington DC will leave on le yellow bus on Friday morning et there is also le annual Alumni Tournemente du Basketballe et le seniors will be bonspieling in le Nationale Bonspiel at le Club du Curling. This is une tres beacoup, excitemente news, mais even avec all de les excitementes, Sven et moi will be leaving for une trip du skiing et Hunter et Mai Mai will be keeping an eye on mon nephew while we are away et he stays with them at Chez Noe.
And then it was time por le Shake du Jour
Bartender du jour: Ma Soeur
Numbre du jour: 5
Rules: Une dollar to play, five of a kind to win half de le GIGANTIC pot, trois shakes et farming is allowed.
1st Shaker: Ma Soeur……………resulte…………deux fives. Whatever. Non prize por ma poor soeur.
2nd Shaker: Ma Mere…………resulte…….trois fives. Pretty damn good! Bartender, une free drink por ma mere, s’il vous plait.
3rd Shaker: Moi………..resulte……..deux fives. Whatever. Even having Maxwelle Smarte blow on les dice is of no use.
Then I promptly sent une text to Giselle et said, “I won le Shake du Jour!” Et she sent une text back et said, “Mais non, that’s not fair! I couldn’t be there!” Et then I sent another text et said, “Just kidding.” Et then she sent another text et said, “I will get vous for that.”