It is day four of my vacation. It is an awesome, cool, dark and drizzly morning. It is the perfect storm for a waunabe closet cleaning writer like me. The hunters have left the land. No more worries they will come knocking at my door. The coffee is on. The dog has been walked. The cat has been fed. Nothing can get in my way now. I am pretty gosh darn excited! What? I made that for this morning? 10:30? Shit! That’s okay, I have two hours before I have to take her in. That’s a nice chunk of time, especially if I don’t look at Facebook or emails. What? Maybe I could just skip a shower today. What? Yeah, I know I skipped it yesterday. Who takes a shower when they are going to clean out closets? Showers are overrated. What? Fine! I’ll take a damn shower, but I don’t have to do that till 9:30. That gives me a whole hour. That is a nice sliver of time. Okay then, my plan is to write, take the cat to the vet, clean my closets and write some more. This will be an extraordinary day. What? I just went to the grocery store on Saturday. How can we be out of coffee? And we are low on dog food? Well son of a bitch. Fine, I’ll swing by the store right after going to the clinic. What? Yes, with the cat in the car. They are practically next door to each other. You think it’s a bad idea to leave her sitting in a parking lot making the very noises that inspired the Exorcist? No, I’m not worried about her pooping. She does that on the way in to the vet. What? Oh, you think that perhaps it would be cruel to leave her in the car? So are you trying to say that on this absolutely perfect, dark, drizzly, closet cleaning, writing, website working, kind of a morning, I have to go to town not once, but twice? Fine then. But for the record, I will not be deterred. I am pretty gosh darn excited!
Here it is, my third day of vacation! I am pretty darn excited, what with having this week all to myself. It’s mine all mine. In case you are just tuning in, my plans are to write, blog and clean. Please do not judge me, but I’ve decided to put off the closets for one more day. I mean, there are lots of other projects around here that need my attention. Hell, the inside plants were screaming so loud that I could actually hear them. In all of the excitement I guess I forgot to water them on the weekend like I normally would. There is a ton of laundry too. Being a vacation week I didn’t run downstairs and throw in a load when I got up on Saturday morning. There is no need with an entire week off. And it was more fun to make a couple of pot pies this morning. One is full of steamed broccoli, onions, red skin potatoes, and nacho cheese soup and the other is filled with Sven’s left over beef roast. We can have one for dinner and the other one can go in the freezer. Plus I had to email my sister and then Facebook her happy birthday wishes, cuz Sven just mailed her birthday card this morning and it’s Columbus Day. And you know what can happen when you go into Facebook to wish someone a happy birthday. On top of that there are a couple of guys hunting on our property. What if they were to come to the door and ask for a glass of water and the house was in disarray with shit strewn all over the place and piles of keep, maybe keep, maybe throw away, definitely throw away and definitely throw away before Sven sees this. I can also guarantee you that Hunter is going to be digging in those piles and causing a lot of havoc. He has never seen that kind of cleaning since he moved in with us and I’m sure he will think it is some kind of a game. It’s not that I’ve wasted my time today, I’ve just moved the schedule around. I am flexible that way. It is sunny and close to seventy.
So I went out there and picked the rest of our bumper tomato crop.
Can you really eat fried green tomatoes? I even swept the leafs off the front deck and sprayed a can of Raid on those God damn box elder bugs, which I gotta say, made me a little woozey. Hunter really enjoys walks in this type of weather. I’ve got to get going. I hate to say no to him, because A) he barks, B) the weather could turn on a dime and, C) Maybe some fresh air will help to clear my head. Those poor insects. Suddenly, I feel very Hitler-like.
Wow! Here it is day two of my vacation. I am so excited! If it weren’t for that Facebook Packer Party invite that I clicked yes to, I would absolutely have stayed right here and I would have already started to clean out my closets in between writing brilliant stories and posting them on my website. But an obligation is an obligation and I do NOT break obligations. And perhaps this is the year that I, me, Millie Noe, will win the giant, flat screen T.V.
In order to keep on track with my exciting plans of spending an entire week of doing nothing but writing, working on my website and cleaning this place up, I have inserted a couple ‘before’ photos for your viewing pleasure.
Hear me now. I pledge to clean these sons a bitches out. By announcing this to the entire world, (okay, my mom and my sister, the two people who read my stuff) how could I possibly back out? How embarrassing would that be? It worked when I quit smoking eight years ago. Seriously I got sick of hiding those cigarettes all the time. Speaking of quitting smoking, that is probably the reason half of this shit doesn’t fit me. And it is also how my closets got like this in the first place. It is absolutely horrifying to clean out closets and cupboards cold turkey. No more congratulatory breaks every half hour where I get to sit back, light up and admire all my hard work by blowing smoke rings.
It’s going to be tough to throw away all those favorite pairs of jeans full of all those memories, even if I haven’t gotten my ass into them forever. But I am going to do it. Right after the Packer Party. What? Oh. That’s not a bad idea. The party is over in my mother’s neighborhood. She probably would enjoy a little company later this afternoon. She wasn’t feeling the best yesterday. Maybe I should stop in over there before coming straight home and going directly to the closets. What? Yes I suppose it will be near supper time by the time I get back and Sven will be getting hungry and Hunter will need to go for a walk. Maybe tomorrow would be a better time to get started on the closets. I can write and clean ten times better first thing in the morning, when I actually give a shit. Tomorrow it is! I am so excited!
I am so excited. I have the whole week off work, the entire week all to myself, a complete week of doing nothing but writing, working on my website and cleaning my house. I am so excited. Uh-oh. Hunter just gave me the seven minute warning. (Refer to Millie & Sven’s School of Dog Whispering.) I’ll be back in about twenty minutes to tell you about all the stuff I am going to write about and all the stuff I am going to get done around here. Excuse me? What? Hunter quit the barking. (Refer to Millie & Sven’s School of Dog Whispering.) What? A soccer game? What time is the soccer game? Oh, jeez. Okay, I will be back this afternoon, cuz after the soccer game I might as well hit the grocery store. Hunter, damn it! Hang on a minute. I just want to say one more thing. I am so excited. Right after this walk and then this soccer game and then the grocery store, I have the entire week off. It will be all my own. Yes, my own week to do whatever I want to do. I can write and I can work on my website and I can clean my house. Yes I will even clean the closets. What? We’re taking out the pier this afternoon? Shit. Okay. Yes! Hunter! Wait a dog gone minute, for God’s Sake. Give me seven more seconds. I am so excited. Right after I take Hunter for a walk, go to the soccer game, hit the grocery store and take the pier out, I have the entire week to myself. It’s mine all mine. I am going to do nothing but write, work on my website and clean this ever loving house. Hang on you crazy dog! What? What Packer Party? Oh the one I said yes to on Facebook? Who reads Facebook? When is that? Yes Hunter, we are going. Jesus. Be back soon. I am so excited.