Dear Millie


I am twenty-eight.
My girl, Suzette is the pertiest thing anybody ever did see. She's got the kind of knockers I only used to look at in magazines. So, I don't want to blow it. My mama told me that if I screw up it up this time, I will be out of her basement. It is cold here this time of year. And I can tell that my mama means it. What can I get for my gal for Christmas? She is very particular. She likes her coffee with those fancy creamers from the gas station and she only wears socks made of wool that she says is smarter than me.
I was thinking I should get her something practical to show her that I am a real man.

Cleon from the heart of Bismarck

Dear Cleon,
Your gal sounds lovely. It is hard to please those that are so particular. And if she is all about those gas station creamers, she might possibly be out of your league. But since I know she means a lot to you and I hear there is a blizzard heading your way, I will try to help.
First of all, never go practical.
Practical is stupid.


I remember one time Sven gave me an ear wax removal kit. It was wrapped in glittery paper and there was a beautiful bow plastered on top.
"What the hell?" I screamed.
"Well, Millie," he said. "You sure could have used it last week. Maybe you could have skipped that visit to Urgent Care."
Here is the thing, Cleon, the only reason Sven is even alive today is because that ear wax removal kit was just one small present in the middle of a heap of them. He was going for quantity that year. I remember my eyes bulging out when I saw the stack of gifts.
But a person should not just pick up shit that they spot at a Walgreens while they are waiting in line to purchase an antihistamine and have it gift wrapped.
If you buy an ear wax removal kit for Suzette your mama will lock the door behind you, for your own protection, while your sweet Suzette goes looking for her firearm.
Think of it this way. If you are in cardiac arrest on Christmas Morning and your mama dials 911 while Suzette is giving you mouth to mouth for possibly the last time, would you feel like unwrapping that defibrillator before the EMT puts it to use?
I doubt it.
Practical is never a good idea.
Your dream come true, and her great bazookas would be most happy with a ring that has a sparkly thing on top of it.
That way maybe you two can move upstairs where the heat comes through the floor registers.

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