101 Reasons Not to Eat an Apple a Day
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Is a well known saying to a generation of kids who spent their time jumping rope, playing jacks and sitting under their desks with their hands over their heads. A generation that lived when life was a breeze. When there were baskets on bikes. And when telephones had chords. When the only things in life to fear were, fires, tornadoes and the atom bomb. And not coming home when the porch light went on. When just a simple phrase could nip whatever the issue was, in the bud. And then of course Andy would have to let Otis out of his cell. I think we need to take a refresher course on this approach to life. Perhaps instead of all this arguing about whether we should have a universal health care system, a health care system just for the rich, or a health care system just for a few, we Americans should go back to eating that apple a day. Let's rid ourselves of all those unnecessary doctor appointments, pap smears and bills. Let's establish an even playing field. Once and for all. Dagnabbit. I have taken the first step toward this goal by traveling around the country and surveying our nation. To get to the bottom of where we are with this apple a day situation. Does it even still exist? Surprisingly, I found that people have a lot of excuses as to why they are not able to eat an apple. No wonder our health care costs are on the rise. The good news is, I have compiled the results and I have already sent them off to Washington. Hopefully congress will find the time to look into my labor intensive research and come up with a solution that everyone can agree on. If we could just nip our health costs before they begin, we could skip the rest of the bullshit. Like, all those nagging questions that keep us up at night. How am I going to pay for that prescription that keeps my blood flowing? What will happen to my neighbor's dog when my neighbor is evicted from his place? Why did my friend have to work all the way till the end? Ride shotgun in my car with a puke bucket on her lap and nap under her desk, while the rest of us covered for her? Oh. Yeah. Now I remember. It was so she could continue with her chemo treatments and her kids could go to the dentist. These are just a few reasons why we need to get to the bottom of the problem. Go back to a time when we had a saying for everything. Sticks and stones will break my bones. But words will never hurt me. Don't cry over spilled milk. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Whatever that means. A time when we all looked after one another. Like, when people were building those underground bomb shelters and filling them with canned goods, so they could survive the Armageddon and leave their neighbors above ground to take the heat, so to speak. Anyway. I asked one hundred and ten random people of all races, classes and creeds. Well, okay. To be clear, I asked as diversified a crowd that I could find between Harmony Grove and Lodi, the following question. "Are you going to eat an apple today?" Nine answered, "Yes." The other 101, said, "No." And these are the reasons they gave me. 1) I can't eat an apple at my desk. It is too loud. 2) I have a dentist appointment. 3) I don't have any peanut butter. 4) Apples hurt my teeth. 5) I don't have any teeth. 6) I don't have any apples. 7) Worm holes. 8) I have leftover lasagna. 9) They clash with chili. 10) I don't think they are on the menu at Fat Jacks. 11) I just brushed my teeth. 12) I've already had my quota of vitamin C for the day. 13) The caramel always pulls out my crowns. 14) I don't bob for anything. 15) I prefer pumpkin pie. 16) There are too many pesticides. 17) I never know what kind to buy. 18) Fresh fruit is too expensive. 19) My kids won't eat them. So I don't buy them. 20) I have never been a fan of apples. 21) Apples give me gas. 22) Apples give me heartburn. 23) I am not supposed to eat apples with my current medications. 24) Apples are not meat. So. No. 25) I can't hear the TV while I am chewing an apple. 26) Last time I took an apple to work, I didn't eat it right away. And I got fruit flies. 27) That would be one hundred more calories than I want to spend on a food I don't care for. 28) Maybe if it was in a bottle. 29) Not unless you count apple brandy an apple. 30) Apples suck. 31) They should make chocolate covered apples. 32) I like oranges. 33) The only fruit I will eat is a banana. 34) My dog won't eat one. So, neither will I. 35) I got real sick once on Boones Farm Apple Wine. 36) You can't make me. 37) I haven't ordered a Happy Meal since they replaced half the fries with apple slices. 38) No, I eat a lot of apples in the fall. I eat melons and fresh pineapple in the summer. 39) It is just so much work to get one out of the frig, wash it, and cut it up. And I don't eat apples unless they are cored and cut up in to perfect pieces. I am tired just thinking about it. 40) No. Not eating an apple, because we don't have any. 41) When I was a kid I borrowed an apple from the neighbor's tree. And then he kicked me out of his yard. I haven't had one since. 42) They put razor blades in apples. Duh. 43) I am afraid of inbreeding. You know that whole Johnny Appleseed thing. 44) Apples give me the shits. 45) Lady if you don't put that microphone down and walk away. I am going to call the cops. 46) I hate apples. 47) I am allergic to apples. 49) Are they gluten free? I only eat gluten free. 50) I am a teacher. You have no idea how sick I am of apples. 51) I haven't spent money on an apple since the Beatles last big hit was on vinyl. 52) I can't run if I eat an apple. They give me the cramps. 53) Haven't you heard? One bad apple spoils the whole bunch, baby. 54) I would rather be the apple of your eye. What are you doing later tonight? 55) I heard that is how you get an enlarged Adam's apples. 56) I am too busy to eat an apple. 57) An apple? Just eat a plain old apple? Why? No. 58) I would rather have an apple shot off my head with an arrow. 59) They say that George Washington cut down a cherry tree. Not true. It was an apple tree. I will not lie. I will not eat an apple. 60) What? 61) An apple doesn't fall far from the tree. And if you knew my family you would stay as far away from apples as possible. 62) I am a Samsung kind of a guy. 63) Am I on TV? 64) No. But I am wearing Fruit of the Loom underwear. Does that count? 65) I would have to shop. 66) I bit into a worm once. 67) No. But they are good for juggling. 68) Why is this any of your business? 69) Lady, do I look like I eat apples? 70) I don't eat fruit. 71) Not since that old apple a day keeps the doctor away conspiracy theory. 72) If I didn't have to rinse it for ten minutes first, I would. 73) I only like Golden Delicious and my husband only likes Granny Smiths, so. 74) Didn't pack one in my lunch. 75) Too much acid in them. 76) They don't taste the way they used to. 77) Does apple butter count? 78) It hurts my jaw to chew them. 79) Just no. I don't have to give you a reason. Who the hell are you? 80) I am more of a mango fan. 81) I should have brought one with me, but I didn't. So. No. 82) I don't think they are in season. Are they? 83) I chipped a tooth on an apple. Cost me three hundred dollars. 84) I gave my apple to my teacher. 85) All my apples go into smoothies. 86) Is Snapple considered an apple? 87) I heard they aren't that good for you. 88) I am leaving them for the bees. Bees are endangered you know. 89) Apples don't trip my trigger. 90) My cousin choked and died on an apple. 91) Is this legal? 92) I have an iPhone. Only apple I like. 93) I should have an apple today. But I should do a lot of things today. 94) They are too sweet for me. 95) Do I look like Eve? 96) This is Wisconsin. I am having beer and cheese for lunch. 97) I tried those apple flavored chips once. Disgusting. 98) Apples are for nerds. 99) I am not feeling appley today. 100) No. But I have one of those apple, peeler, corers, for sale. Ten bucks. It's yours. 101) Fuck you lady. Thankfully the last answer was sign in language. And luckily I am well versed in sign language, because that biker seemed to be the head guy of a large group of people all covered in black leather, beards and fringe. And skeletons. Lots of skeletons. And they were all staring at me through mirrored sunglasses. So. There you have it folks. It is a wrap. According to the United States Postal Service my completed survey should arrive at the white house this coming Tuesday. I just hope I have not opened another can of worms by sending congress one hundred and one more issues to look into. It seems like they are already pretty busy. "What's that Louisa?" Excuse me. My sister is interrupting me again. "Louisa. Do you mind? I am trying to save the world right now." Oh. She wants to know if I am going to eat an apple today. "What's it to ya? This story isn't about me!" Jeez.