A Boat Named Caulk

A boat named Caulk The saying goes that the best two days of your life, are the day you buy your boat and the day you sell your boat. We jumped into our water craft, on a warm summer afternoon, in 1990 and immediately a boat club was formed. "I'm the president," said Sven. "Because I paid for it." "Well, than I'm the vice president," I said. "Because I'm married to Sven." "You should be the treasurer," said Sven to Pierre, my brother-in-law.  "You make the most money." "What about me?" said my sister, Louisa. "Secretary." "What does the secretary do?" "Nothing." "Okay." We set sail, with our sights on, The Snack Bar. Since Louisa and I sat on the middle planks, we were handed empty, cut off, plastic quarts of milk, with the handles still intact. "What are these?" "The boat leaks." Butterflies raced past us at the speed of light. "Isn't this fun?" Louisa said and then she poured water over the side of the boat. "Nothing better than boating," I answered and I did the same. We leaned over and scooped up some more water at our feet, together. "Millie, did you put a bunch of hairspray in your hair or something?" "No." "Well, it isn't moving." "Sven, go faster," I said. "What?" he called out, over the sound of the motor behind him, with his hand on the lever. "Go faster." "I can't. This is full board." "Oh." "Are we going to sink?" said the secretary, when we were halfway between our shore and our destination. The water sloshing around, was ankle deep, despite our non stop scooping. "No," said the treasurer. "How do you know?" I said and I poured more H2O over the side. "Because we have this." He pulled out a tube of caulk from under his seat. We didn't have L.O.L. at the time. But this is where it would now be inserted. L.O.L. hahahahahhahahahhahahaahhahahhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. And that is how Caulk got her name. An hour and a half later, we were closing in on the dock of our destination at the same speed Tim Conway used to fall down the stairs, when he played that old man, on, The Carol Burnett Show. Boats were zipping in. Boats were zipping out. Boats were zipping all about. We stayed the course. As a boating club, we had never successfully docked a boat. As a boating club, we had never docked a boat. How hard could it be? "There's an opening over there," pointed Pierre, between two, million dollar, ski boats. "Boats parallel park?" I gasped. Sven maneuvered his way into the tiny slip and Pierre shoved us away from the yacht on his side and Louisa and I reached up grabbed ahold of the pier. There were tires attached to protect vehicles from scrapes and such. We tossed the white buoys over the side, like professional sailors and we hoisted ourselves up onto the dock. Caulk, didn't reach the tires and Caulk's buoys were flapping in the wind, underneath, said pier. The only thing that kept her from disappearing under the pier altogether, was, she was securely tied by a bad sailor knot or two. The Caulk Boating Club made their way down the pier, with their shoulders back and their spirits high. They entered, The Snack Bar, with the very sunburns that add lines to their characters today, through the lakeside entrance. That is a polite way to say, that now, The Caulk Club members, are fucking, old. They toasted each other with mugs of ice cold beer. They toasted each other again. And then again. And then one more time. The maiden voyage was a success. High fives all around. "Yes," they would answer to their friends, their neighbors and complete strangers. "We boated over." Then they would point out the window that overlooked the lake, surrounded with green country side and blue bluffs. "It's between those two ski boats. Right, down, there." "I don't see anything," the people would say. And then the Caulk Boat Club President said, "It is time to go." He can be such a bummer. Caulk started up on the very first pull of the rope. "Yay!" we said as we bailed out the water that had been pooling. But, then she quit. "Uh oh." Then she started right up on the second pull. "Yay!" we said as we bailed out the water that had been pooling. But, then she quit again. The third pull, was the charm. Pierre pushed us away from the monster boats. The Caulk Club set out for another two hour cruise.

News Flash: Beer makes you have to pee.


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