"Cut! Millie, what the hell is that dog wearing?"
Excuse me folks while I explain to my sister, executive producer, that this week's episode of our crime fighting super heroes, The Titanic Trio, from the black hole just outside of Harmony Grove, is a live variety show, with singing and dancing and comedy sketches. It is our holiday special. Louisa was not able to attend the last meeting, as she was at her day job, the one that pays her bills.
Let us get back to our star canine who is on center stage. Bark Man is in the middle of belting out the third verse of, Silent Night, the song chosen especially for him by my sweet Sven. Bark Man has an exquisite volume of much depth and a wild greatness that belongs only to him.
We will all sleep in heavenly peace tonight after that. Folks let's give the Barker a standing 'O'.
And now you may take the cotton out of your ears and turn off your mute buttons.
It is time to get ready to settle back and watch our very own risk taking Tuxedo Boy. He will entertain us with his superior balance and poise. Here are just a few of his amazing stunts.
Isn't he something?
While we are waiting for Cat Lady, to make an appearance, let me tell you a little story.
I ordered Bark Man a new sling for his arsenal of super hero weapons a few months ago. It is what makes him great. And also what makes him stand.
If you are not familiar with how a dog and a man and a sling work together, I am here to inform you that this sport is all about the timing.
For instance when Bark Man pushes himself up with his front legs, stops at that point and looks at you, this means, go and get my sling so that you can pick my ass up, please.
Sven however does not always follow these important ques.
"You can do it," he will say to Bark Man. "You are not even trying."
Bark Man then looks at me.
"Sven, I think he needs a little help," I will say.
Bark Man then looks back at Sven.
"Oh fine," Sven says and gets up. He makes his way across the room like Tim Conway did when he played the little old man on The Carol Burnette Show. Remember the fireman skit?
Bark Man and I watch him shuffle into the kitchen.
We look at each other.
We look at Sven.
Sven takes the sling off the hook. He turns around and begins to shuffle his way back into the living room and just before he reaches Bark Man to slip the sling around his waist to help him stand, Bark Man lays down.
"What the hell?" yells Sven.
"Sven! Do not yell at that puppy dog."
"He does that on purpose! And he is not a puppy dog."
Oh, here she comes up from her fancy assisted living apartment.
Ladies and gentlemen, please give Cat Lady, the oldest crime fighter alive, a warm welcome this evening.
Isn't she something?
Hang on, my sister is talking.
Louisa wants to know what Cat Lady's special talent is.
Folks you are looking at it. This high class woman of fashion, style and etiquette is still breathing. Not everyone her age can say the same thing. As a matter of fact very few could lay such a claim.
What have we here?
It is Bark Man doing his reindeer impression.
Oh Bark Man you are such a comedian.
God love you.
And now while the cast is changing into their ugly sweaters for our annual holiday contest, I will tell you a little story.
The other day I was wrapping and wrapping and wrapping Christmas presents. I was finally finished and feeling a real sense of accomplishment with only two paper cuts and a stabbing pain in my lower back. Just as I stuck the scotch tape back in the drawer, a UPS truck driver shows up at my door with another package. I do not believe they really want me to fill out that survey about how the delivery went, if you know what I mean.
Does this shit happen to anybody else?
Here comes our first contestant.
Well apparently Grandma, I mean, Cat Lady, does not own an ugly sweater. She is much too refined for such nonsense.
Let us see what Tuxedo Boy has come up with.
Good work Tux Guy. I think you are in the running.
Oh. Hang on. Here comes the dude with a thousand ugly sweaters.
Nice pick Bark Man, by the applause it is clear that you are this year's winner.
Okay and now for our next act...
Hang on, the executive producer is signaling to me.
Folks, the next act had to be scratched. Tuxedo Boy did not discuss this in our meeting. I will not tolerate any knife throwing at Cat Lady, even if he can guarantee me that he will hit her in the face. Wait. What?
It is time to put your cotton back in your ears and hit your mute buttons. Bark Man is heading to the stage for our grand finale. Everyone join in and sing with us, Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree.
We hope you have enjoyed our holiday special.
Tune in next time when the Titanic Trio goes back to fighting crime.
Until then, cheers.
For more stories in this crime fighting series, click above on Titanic Trio.