MILLIE VERSUS DEER NUMBER ONEWe were a couple of blocks from home, on the road along the lake. My sons Marques and Rene, were nine and seven at the time. They were also in the car, still wearing their karate outfits. Marques was speaking. "You are never supposed to use karate, unless it is in self defense. Because your hands are lethal weapons, Mom." I was nodding in agreement with his bullshit and.. BAMN! A deer bounced off the front bumper and landed in the yard of a neighbor's home. "AHHHHH!" we were all screaming. "AHHHHH!" we screamed some more. The deer had no pulse. "Mom, why did you kill that deer?" We drove home. I was incoherent, so the karate kids, had to explain to Sven what had just occurred. Sven went down the street and he took care of business. The boys said it was all my fault.
MILLIE VERSUS DEER NUMBER TWOI was driving up cemetery hill, in the Subaru from hell. I was alone. The sun was getting ready to set, making the sky pink, which was reflecting off my windshield, which was covered with a grimy film of pollen and bug guts. I pulled the lever on my steering column forward, to clean the windshield, so that I could enjoy the magnificent sky. The blue fluid sprayed onto the glass. The wipers went back and they went forth. They went back. And then, there was a buck, with a big rack, right in front of my car. RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY CAR. BAMN! He flew off to the left and I flew off the right side of the road, into a barbed wire fence. "AHHHHH!" The police came. Then Sven arrived and he took care of business and took me home. The boys said it was all my fault.
MILLIE VERSUS DEER NUMBER THREE
It was my turn to car pool after baseball practice.
Left in my vehicle, were, Marques, Rene and one neighbor boy. We were about a half a mile from home.
We were just passing the Laundromat on the right, at about twenty miles an hour and the park was coming up on the left.
The conversation was all about farts.
Because it always was.
I learned all about flagellations, as a car pool mom. You cannot get an education like that anywhere else.
A deer came running out of the park at full throttle.
I hit my brakes.
The deer hit my left headlight.
All the people in the car were screaming.
The deer ran away.
"Mom! Why did you hit that deer?"
The boys told Sven it was all my fault.
MILLIE VERSUS DEER NUMBER FOUR
I was listening intently to a talk radio show and slowing down for the stop sign, where I would be taking a left onto cemetery hill.
There was static interference.
I hate static interference.
I was turning the knob to tune it in, because it was still the, radios have knobs, era.
Sven is upset that knobs have been replaced with buttons.
He always says, "You could turn a knob the tiniest bit and tune your radio in. Why did they have to mess with that?"
He has a point. But he is still upset that you don't get a T.V. guide with the Sunday paper anymore.
Anyway, I turned that knob the tiniest bit and the static cleared.
A deer smashes into my right front passenger door and falls backward.
I cried all the way home.
Sven went to take care of business.
He came back ten minutes later and said, "Millie the deer is gone."
The boys said it was all my fault.
MILLIE VERSUS DEER NUMBER FIVE
It was dark.
I was at the wheel of our new, white, Tracer and Sven was my passenger.
Apparently, I had one less beer than Sven did.
Otherwise, he would have been driving.
We'd spent the day helping my sister and brother-in-law move into their new house.
In case you don't know, it is a Wisconsin State Law, that beer be provided for all movers.
My sister and brother-in-law had complied.
I was talking as I drove.
I don't remember what I was saying, but, I can guarantee you that my lips were moving, because they always are.
A deer bounced off the white hood and at the very same moment we were pelted in our faces with exploding air bags and the horn instantly was stuck on an all out BLARE.
It was an hysterical scene, between the blaring horn that would not shut up and the deer who was not yet dead and the woman who was screaming shrilly for somebody to come and shoot the poor suffering animal who was trying to get up.
By the time the police arrived the deer had passed. Sven had figured out how to turn off the horn. Sven's glasses had been found under the back seat, twisted beyond repair. And the crazy woman, was just sniffling.
"Have you been drinking?" asked the young policeman.
"No Occifer," I answered. "We were helping my sister move today."
Well, that was a stupid thing to say, with our state law and everything.
But, that nice kid in uniform, took pity on the woman who could have been his mother, with mascara all over her face and the old guy with the twisted glasses, who was with her.
He drove them home and he dropped them off and he wrote no ticket.
But he did give us a suspicious look.
When Sven told the story of how that deer came out of nowhere and just landed on the hood of the car, the boys said, "It's all mom's fault."
"That's it," I told Sven. "Marques and Rene will not be invited to my murder trial."
"I have got to clear my name, Sven."
"Everybody thinks I'm a deer killer. Look, even the hat she made me has a car smashing into a deer glued on it."
"I think that's just a joke," he says. "Have you noticed the rest of your hat?"
"Yeah? Well, then how come it says, Mille Noe, Serial Deer Killer, on the Wisconsin Court Website?"
"Are you sure about that?" he says.
"Well, it says I have killed a lot of deer."
"I am going to tell the judge exactly who to send the invitations to. And Marques and Rene will not be on my list."
"Do you mean, subpoenas?" he says.
[one_half_last]"One day up near Salinas Lord, I let him, slip away. He's lookin’ for that home, and I hope he finds it. But I'd trade all of my tomorrows, for one single, yesterday, to be holdin’ Bobby's body next to mine."[/one_half_last]
Maybe it was lyrics.