Join Pheline Psychiatrist, Millie M.D. Noe, with today's featured guest, Grandma Meow Moses on, Cat Talk.
"Tell me, Miss Moses. What brings you here?"
In order to receive my official Doctor's license in the mail so that I can frame and hang on my wall, I am conducting what we in the health profession refer to as, clinicals, with a few pheline family members and acquintances.
"Miss Meow, while it is true that I carried you up all the stairs from your fancy basement apartment, you did agree to this interview, did you not?"
"Yeah. When do I get my milk?"
For you novices out there, this is when a stare down becomes an important tool. Be sure to snap out of it just before your cat dozes off.
"Tell me Grandma, what is it that ails you?"
"Well, my bones creak. I can't hear. My one eye is a little fuzzy and I hate Tuna."
"You hate Tuna?"
"Yes, Tuna, the bastard punk cat that lives upstairs. Like right here, where we are now."
"Oh, that Tuna. Go on."
"I am treated like a second class citizen. I may have a fancy apartment on the lower level, but it is still a prison. Do you think that just because Martha Stewart stayed in some frilly hotel jail with room and valet service that she had it easy?"
"She did not! The other day it was pert near 12:30 before I was served my breakfast. And it was all because Tuna, the spoiled brat up here didn't feel like going outside."
"And then when he did go out and I did come up, I wasn't here more than fifteen minutes and he was hanging on the screen staring at me through the door and you whisked me up and brought me back to my cell. For what? My only crime is outliving everybody. For being the oldest living feline."
"Well, I am glad you are not holding back, Grandma. This is excellent therapy. The first step toward healing."
"Healing? The only thing that will heal me is when the real crook is behind bars. You know he is a cold blooded killer don't you?"
"He chases anything that moves. He disables them and then goes in for the kill. He's come after me. Gone right for my throat. Had to spit out one of my pearls the other day. Who does that?"
"And to make matters worse, his parents still love him. Still think he's cute. He's got them snowed with that little innocent squeak of a meow of his."
"Speaking of meows Grandma. I am curious. What is up with that haunting screech that compares to finger nails on a chalk board that comes out of you all the time?"
"You know. That scream of yours."
"I wondered if anyone could hear that. I can't."
"You can't hear the noise you are making?"
"I am deaf."
"Well then why do you do it? It scares the bejesus out of everybody."
"To let you know that I am here."
Well folks, that about wraps it up for today.
Tune in next week for an all exclusive interview, when Finley, the cat who tells it like it is, tells it like it is.