Dear Millie

Dear Millie Again Cover
Dear Millie Again Cover

Dear Millie,

I am not sure what to do. You see, I have this special someone.

I don't know what to buy her for Christmas.

The problem is, I do not have a job.

Therefore, I have no money.


What should I do?

Penniless in Seattle

Dear Penniless,

Money does not buy love.

Have you considered writing a poem or composing a song?

Go all nostalgic. Bake and decorate a gingerbread house for her.

What about making a book of coupons good for kind gestures and sex?


Rob a bank.

I have not heard of a decent bank heist in quite some time.

Nowadays it seems that it is all about Wall Street screwing everyone, phone scams and identity theft.

To be a crook anymore, one needs their own IT department. I came within an inch of calling mine, my son, just trying to set up a new printer the other day. And I only needed that printer so that I could print off some documents to fill out for legitimate business.

On the news there was a story about prescription thefts. The stolen pills are being replaced with other pills that are going to unsuspecting patients, while their real medications are being sold back to the pharmacies at a discount. It was quite an elaborate racket, with many levels of players involved and a ton of technology. The reporter said that this is happening everywhere.

Well, my jaw was on the floor. It seemed like an awful lot of work. I thought the point of being a crook was to avoid work. Those people could have just as easily gotten real jobs and been just as unhappy.

This is when it occurred to me how unfair it is that thieves today have to have an education to make it in this world.

Not everyone can afford an education.

Remember when all you needed was a cheap ski mask, a gun, a neighborhood liquor store and a getaway car? And that car didn't even need a muffler.

Well, nobody pays with cash anymore, so that liquor store is not going to get you very far with your loved one, unless of course she happens to love Jack Daniels.

Therefore, I think a bank robbery is probably your best bet. At least banks have gold bricks for back up in the back room if your teller can't get her drawer open, or she only has a bunch of ones.

Just be sure to have your gun registered or you could have a heap of trouble on your hands.

Promise me that you will not stoop to stealing packages from Amazon drivers.

For heaven's sake. The whole point of Christmas is to give from your heart. Not to give from somebody else's, or what some grandma picked out for her four-year-old grandson. Not only is your girlfriend going to drop you like a hot potato when she opens a dinosaur kit with a drill for kids to attach its arms and legs. If I have to explain to those big eyes that Santa's package has been delayed, I will be after you so that I can rip your arms and legs off.

Anyway, I hope you find my suggestions helpful.

Oh. And there are help wanted signs in every window.

Wishing you a very Merry Christmas, from all of us here in the black hole just outside Harmony Grove.

Millie Noe it all

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