Go Ask Millie

Dear Millie,

Last November I gave my fiancée a two carat diamond on her birthday.
That was stupid.
Now what in the hell am I supposed to give her this year?
A bike?

In Trouble in River City

Dear ITiRC,

A bike is not the worst idea.
However, if you are cohabitating with your fiancée, I would suggest that you do not host a bachelor party at your place for your friend's brother on the eve of her birthday, while she is hanging out at her friend's house partaking in a bachelorette party for your friend's brother's future bride.
This is why.
A) It is more than just that ETTE on the end of the word that is the difference between bachelor and bachelorette.
B) There is an excellent chance with today's technology that your fiancée has already heard that one of her kitchen chairs is busted in half, candle wax has been spilled in her living room, and that there has been an arousing game of naked foosball going on in her basement.
C) She also knows that there is a stripper over there.
So, when she gets dropped off at two AM, after a night of fun filled festivities of wine and games. And she makes that long trek up the stairs to your bedroom, trying not to wake you and not to look around on her way there. And then she gets to the bedroom door and she sees the silhouette of a mountain bike parked in front of the window.
She is going to scream, "And why in the hell is there a fucking bike in here!"
This will in turn scare the ever loving BeJesus right out of you.
Because you never even heard her come into the house.
So, while you are busy shitting bricks and gasping for air. She is busy imagining candles, bikes, chairs, naked foosball guys and strippers hanging from her ceiling fan.
That's not good.
And what would be the perfect time for you to say, "Happy Birthday, Millie."
Turns into a two second delay.
Because you are a sweet, thoughtful, and soft spoken Norwegian.
Maybe you should just stick a bow on that bike and park it in the driveway like everybody else.




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