Dear Mom and Dad,
Sorry I haven't written for a while. But you know that we are not supposed to be sending letters from Furgatory.
It is acceptable to make you think that you see us out of the corner of your eye during the day and of course we are allowed to appear in your dreams.
Besides, I have news that I wanted you to hear from me.
You both know that all I ever wanted in life was to be heard.
Well, that and to have your undivided attention and to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.
Remember when I told you that I was discovered by that talent scout who heard my bark from a few miles away and then I was cast as the leading role in Old Yeller?
The musical is a smash hit.
We went on the road and played all the clubs, did a little Broadway and even a few gigs in heaven.
Now they are talking about possibly making us into a movie.
Since the rest of the cast is moving on up so to speak, you know how it is, the show must go on.
And they ain't ever gonna find another guy who can holler like me.
I will soon be graduating with the class of 2023.
That is why I have been taking flying lessons.
Right now I just glide over the tops of furniture the way Dad does in his dreams.
But on graduation day we are all going to flap our way straight up to the pearly gates, which will be open this time.
I am not supposed to brag.
But be sure to tell everybody how famous I am.
Especially the people who thought I should be quiet, which includes the entire world.
I guess it is not everyone's dream to listen to a someday-gonna-be-superstar demanding this and that at the top of his lungs from four till eight pm, the way you always did.
When I give my acceptance speeches at all the award ceremonies, you guys are going to be right there next to myself at the top of my thank you list.
Mom, if you and your BS friends have ever wondered if there is a separate heaven for dogs, you can all breath a sigh of relief.
They tried that once a long, long time ago, but everyone was pissed as hell.
What a bunch of idiots.
I could have told them that dogs are what makes heaven, heaven.
It happened when some committee was thrown together at the last minute to hold down the fort while the entire board of directors went on an all inclusive vacation to some other paradise in heaven in some other galaxy for two full weeks, not including their flight time. They did have to listen to a couple time share speeches, which were pretty grueling, but after that all their food, drinks and lodging were free.
Well it was during this time, back in this heaven, some new guy with a big head stood up next to a white board with a magic marker and said, "There are no bad ideas."
Apparently there are.
They voted in separate heavens for separate folks.
It didn't last long.
Now they have laws in place to protect heaven from such nonsense.
Only so many of the board can take off at the same time.
They are only allowed to work from home or another paradise for a set number of days per week.
And their free lunches have been reinstated.
What is new in the black hole just outside Harmony Grove?
Has Beaver Cleaver, come out of hibernation and started damming up the place again?
Tell Tuna to tell that bastard that it does not matter how far away I am, that pond belongs to this swamp water blonde, and this swamp water blonde, only.
Is Grandma Meow Moses still kicking?
Dad, what book are you reading?
Be sure to tell everybody hi for me, especially Aunt Louisa and Kiki.
I will write again once I get to heaven.
Love you Lots,
Your Little Hunter Bunter