"Good afternoon Ms. Meow Moses."
"Good afternoon. Thank you for having me."
"I understand that you are here to tell us about the new three, four legged fur ball law firm now open for business, Hunter, Moses and Punk. What is it that you bring to the table?"
"That is correct. I will be representing those living in less than perfect conditions. Those with irregular mealtimes and sketchy cleaning services. There are some among us who dwell in assisted living fancy basement apartments where the food is edible, but the mealtime schedule is willy-nilly at best. And even though boxes are scooped out daily, somebody should empty those things, wash them, rinse them, and start all over. This is a fact of life and a basic feline right. It would be beneficial for said cleaning services to power up a vacuum every now and then to suck up the crumbs in the cafeteria areas. Otherwise ants and other icky critters will move in and destroy the community. Once every couple of months does not cut it. In the upstairs world, vacuums work overtime. I have seen it myself. This sweeping motion should be divided equally among the less fortunate, those of us living downstairs, even if it is a walk out basement. In our second class neighborhoods, tiny pieces of loose litter end up in our paws and are tracked all over. If you were to get up enough nerve to go near our furnace areas or washing machines, you would see that fur balls have taken over. A Stephen King best seller right there in the making. These living conditions are unhealthy, ridiculous and need to be abolished. If you are dealing with any of these atrocities, I will fight for you. Call Hunter, Moses and Punk at 212-424-8484. That is 212-424-8484. Ask for Grandma."
"Well, that is quite an eye opener there Grandma. How will you stop this abhorrence?"
"Screeching is my number one tactic. Hollering is my second. And if those don't work, I go back to screeching. I can hit a note that makes shit happen."
"And you Mr. Hunter. What is your area of expertise?"
"Oppressed barkers. I also handle cases related to buttered flip chip addiction and mud trackers."
"I wasn't aware of these lawsuits."
"Perhaps you are unaware because you are not a canine. And that is the issue. Canines are grossly underrepresented. Take a silenced barker for instance. Some of my clients need to bark. They need to bark loud and they need to bark often. They need to bark always. They should not be shushed. They should be heard."
"I don't mean to be rude, but your bark is loud, it is often and it is always. Your parents have no friends because of it."
"And that is why I represent those who have been silenced. Clearly I have not. I always get my way. I will fight for those who do not. And for those who prefer buttered flip chips, I will stop the naysayers from their naysaying. Have you ever chewed on a dry rawhide?"
"No"
"Do you ever butter your saltines?"
"Yes."
"Have you even once dipped your lobster into a cup of melted nothing?"
"Um.."
"I rest my case."
"How do you defend mud trackers? I mean if the evidence matches the paw outline on the kitchen floor, isn't your client going to the slammer?"
"Tracks happen. Rarely are these muddy prints proven to be premeditated."
"Tuna, what do you bring to the firm?"
"That's Mr. Punk."
"Sorry. Mr. Punk."
"I cover the hood. Those cats out on the streets and hanging in trees. The dudes picked up for bullying little old ladies, stealing puzzle pieces and murder."
"That is quite a spread."
"I know. I have been falsely accused of these very crimes."
"No!"
"Yes."
"How will you win your cases?
"I will start by showing off my sweet little face. Next I will do my tiny, cute and innocent meow impression. And once I have the judge gushing, I will purr. It is in the timing."
"So you create a diversion."
"Call it what you want. But, who hasn't bitten the head off a snake? Sprang in the air and caught a bird? Or sat on a puzzle table and walked away with a piece or two? These things are going to happen. It doesn't make you a monster. And as far as bullying little old ladies, if they are anything like Grandma Meow Moses, I got your back. What I can do for you as my client, is bargain. I will get your fine reduced and no jail time. Call Hunter, Moses and Punk, at 212-424-8484. Ask for 'The Punk'."
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