Merry Christmas from Millie & the Boys
A Holiday Craft Recipe
Our three granddaughters used to come over to help me 'clean' for the holidays.
'Clean'That was the code for, make a mess and awesome Christmas presents, followed with a slumber party. During the glory years, we made all kinds of jaw dropping, gifts, including, ornaments, jewelry, painted picture frames and star studded pencil cans. One year we whipped up a batch of, The World's Best Lotion, and we bottled up the pink concoction, in bedazzled jars. We were a smash hit. We were Christmas rock stars. Our grand finale, unbeknownst to me, was a couple of years ago. That holiday we conjured up some pretty special bar soap, if I do say so myself. However, for legal purposes, it should have come with this warning label, Do not use, unless you do not mind a little glitter in your privates. The family was pretty forgiving. They used glitter for just about everything. After the project of the day was complete, the girls would run wild around the house with Sweet Dakota Jones, the dog of the decade, hot on their trail, creating sweet chaos. And then, I would drag out the king sized air mattress and plug it in, while they were laying on top of it. "If you kids ruin this thing," I would warn, "I am not going to buy another one." Not once did they refrain from jumping on it like it was a trampoline. It would start off with a little bit of rolling around and pushing each other off. Then they would move to somersaulting across it. "That's not jumping, Grandma." And as soon as I went around the corner to put a pizza in the oven, they were doing back flips and cartwheels from the couch onto that bed. "I can hear you," I would yell from the kitchen. Their plan was always the same. "Let's stay up all night. And sometimes they managed to make it past ten. Do you remember that song? "And the little one said, roll over, roll over. And, they all rolled over and one fell out, and the little one said, roll over, roll over." Well, just like that song, the girls kept on rolling over and over and falling out. And one day, they was all growed up. Put it this way, they's all over the age of ten and they's too busy to help their grandma, 'clean'. I suppose this one has the right to be excused. But, it was not that long ago that she was begging her grandma and grandpa to crawl around on the floor and play that stupid, cat, dog, game from hell and she was helping her grandma, her sister and her cousin, pictured above, 'clean'. And it was only yesterday that she sang, Jingle Bells, in the back seat, in her car seat, all the way from Duluth to Lodi. My neck is still fucked up from that. It is okay. I still love her. I am fine. Millie Stewart Noe, is a survivor. She doesn't sit around and feel sorry for herself when her fellow crafters in crime, crap out on her. No. If you locked me in a cell, like my cousin Martha, I would request a large screen T.V., a double wide cot and lots of peanut butter for my bread. I would pay for all of these extras with crafts, that I would make out of yarn and popsicle sticks. To date, I have not been incarcerated to prove my point of, be happy with what you've got and if you are not, ask for more. I have spectacular news. I found some new targets. They would be the two little ones. Teaching is in my blood. All one must do, is keep one's students, engaged. I invited them over and whispered, "Bring your BB Guns. We have some cleaning to do." Here is today's holiday recipe. If you would like to follow along you will need the following ingredients. 1) Two grandsons - one age eight and one age ten 2) Two BB guns 3) One uncle, who likes Budweiser Beer 4) One twelve pack of red and white long neck aluminum bottles 5) One Sven 6) Battery operated tea lights 7) Ribbons 8) Beads 9) Wire 10) Scissors 11) SNACKS To get the ball rolling, you will need to ask your brother in law, to drink twelve Budwiesers. This does not have to happen all in one sitting, or right now, unless you want the empties for today's lesson and you have none on hand. Please folks, use your brains. Do not let that uncle drive home until tomorrow, or else have your sister come and pick him up. Next, you will want to sweet talk your Sven into taking the empties from Pierre out to his table saw, to cut the bottoms off. Once this is accomplished, tell your grandsons, "It is time to go outside and shoot the blazes out of those bottles."
The world would be more safe, if everybody would just use their guns to shoot the shit out of cans, instead of people.After the bottles are all shot full of holes, it is time to bring out the rest of the ingredients. This is where it gets hairy. What I have gathered is, boys prefer to shoot cans over decorating them. Caution: Sponge Bob Square Pants, is a distraction. This is why it is very important, to turn the volume on your T.V. way down and to bring on the snacks, as in fruit roll ups or glazer donuts. Have these goodies sitting on the holiday work station, otherwise known as, the kitchen table, at all times. Now, you are going to have to show your young males a few decorating options, as these kinds of people don't even care about glitter or know how to tie a decent bow. They are nothing like their female predecessors. But, chances are, you will not find that annoying glittery shit all over your house for years to come, after they go home. No. You will find paper airplanes.
Once the bottles are placed over the candles, you will see the light.
Peace and Merry Christmas from Millie and the Boys.