Retirement 101


Millie Noe here.
Philosopher of life.
Knower of all.
Master of nary a thing.
That is, until today.
And now as one former nobody to another up-and-coming former nobody, I would like to help you overcome what can be a terrifying experience of transitioning from working day in and day out.
Week in and week out.
Month in and month out.
For thirty-six long ass years at the same company.
To not.
Pinned as CEO of Retirement by my nephew, the day of, I feel duty bound to enlighten.

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Because that is what we CEOs do.
And hopefully you too will someday wear the badge of honor.
What is it like?

Well, first of all.
You know that movie, Ground Hog Day?
Retirement is a lot like that.
Only, instead of wanting to get past February the second like Bill Murray did, you wake up every morning and you are really happy that it still is February the second. You are filled with a sense of lightness. Of exuberance. It's like. Remember when you were a kid? And you got to empty out your locker at the end of the school year? And then the bell rang and there was all that cheering in the halls? People even running and jumping? And how you could not imagine a whole summer stretched out in front of you?
It was just too big to understand.
Sort of like infinity without the math.
That is how you will feel.
Every morning.
But, unlike Ground Hog Day, instead of wanting your calendar to say that it is February the third.
You fear that it might.
That every day will not be the first day of your retirement.
In other words. You don't ever want it to be February the third.
But if it ever is February the third.
It doesn't matter.
Because every day is a Saturday no matter what your calendar says.
And you will slowly uncover the fact that life does not move in a straight line the way you thought it did.
Unlike your pricing career days. Back when your car followed that same road, and your feet followed that same path into that same door, and they stopped at that same desk.
There is no road.
There is no path.
Not unless they circle around and around and they jut off here and they turn off there, making no sense whatsoever.
That is why you will have no idea where that little screw that goes with your new cord plug cover could have gone.
So, you will have to dump out your trash to locate it later when you realize that you forgot to finish putting it on the wall, while you were putting it on the wall.
Which is hard to imagine, since there is only one screw.
This is why it is important to write yourself some notes.
It will be vital to leave a note pad on your island.
Leave a pen there as well.
Otherwise, you will accomplish nothing.
And you will have nothing to cross off.
Curiously, time no longer exists.
It's like being in Vegas without the Vegas.
And if anyone knows about time.
That is me.
I have studied time for thirty-six years, through many different hands of many different clocks.
Of course, your new bird clock hanging in your new office is going to chirp every hour, regardless.
But those birds don't tell you where you are supposed to be.
So, I missed my hair cut last week.
Thanks a lot, house wren.
Here is another important fact.
You still have to do your laundry.
I had no idea that no one was doing any laundry.
It just never occurred to me.
Not until I was digging around in my underwear drawer the other night and there was nothing in there.
I had to wear a pair of my Sweet Sven's briefs to bed.
Men's underwear are too tight. The elastic band is too wide, and the cut is all wrong. They hit you right in the middle of your muffin top.
I am just sayin', they are not very flattering.
Anyway, the next afternoon I found my way down to the bottom of the stairs and boy, I was facing laundry the size of a mountain I haven't seen since Electric Peak.
Not to worry.
You can just chip away at the pile at your leisure.
On the note pad that you leave on your island, just be sure to jot down, laundry.
Unfortunately, I have a little bit of bad news to share.
But that is what this class is about.
This way you will have no surprises when it is your turn to retire.
And you won't be hit in the face with it.
The way I was.
Truth be told.
Retirement cannot mend a broken heart.
And it is still no fun to unload your dishwasher.
But it's okay.
Because if fun is measured in yins.
And not fun is measured in yang's.
Retirement has a lot more yins than it has yang's.
And everyone has to have a little bit of a yang to fully understand when they are having yin.
Sven and I ran into The Big Labowski the other night, scrolling through the tv guide.
We were super excited.
Even a tad giddy to strike gold like that on a regular old Tuesday night.
And the next morning was Saturday, February the second.

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Retirement is that kind of fun.

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