The Plaintiff: Grandma Meow Moses (above right)
Is suing the defendant for $5000.00 for ruining a pearl necklace when he attempted to murder her. She claims she received the necklace as a gift from Queen Elizabeth.
The Defendant: Tuna (above left)
Is countersuing the plaintiff for failure to reimburse him for a dental bill in the amount of $1545.38, after chipping his tooth on her pearl necklace. As well as $3454.62 for the pain and suffering he has experienced since she has been trying to kill him.
Judge Judy: Ms. Moses, tell me your story.
Grandma Meow Moses: Yes, Your Honor. Queen Elizabeth gave me a pearl necklace when she invited me to Buckingham Palace.
Judge Judy: When was this? And what was the purpose?
Grandma Meow Moses: It was the summer of 2009, July the 15th. And it was for tea and crumpets.
Tuna: That's a lie. She makes this shit up all the time.
Judge Judy: You sir! Do not speak out of turn. There is no profanity in this courtroom. Do you understand?
Judge Judy: Ttt. Ttt.
She gave Tuna a glare.
Judge Judy: Go on Ms. Moses, tell me what happened to your necklace.
Grandma Meow Moses: I was in my assisted living apartment and had just finished breakfast. It was Fancy Feast salmon I believe. Anyway, I was heading toward the privy when I smelled a presence. I spun around just in time to see the defendant coming at me like gangbusters. He went straight for my jugular. Thankfully I always put on my pearls before going to the dining room. It is important to look your best. You should never settle for looking like damn it to hell. Even if you don't see anybody all day long and all you do is nothing, because you live in a basement apartment because an asshole lives upstairs and you can only go up there when he is outside or asleep behind a closed door. You should still always try to look your very best.
Tuna: She is lying!
Another cold stare at Tuna from the judge.
Judge Judy: Ms. Moses, is the necklace you are wearing the same necklace that was ruined in the attempted jugular attack?
Grandma Meow Moses: No Your Honor. Princess Di gave me this one for watching her boys while she went out on a secret rendezvous. I am not free to discuss this any further.
Judge Judy: Nor should you. A pearl necklace is an important piece of jewelry that should be in every woman's collection. But one pearl necklace should be sufficient. Don't you think?
Grandma Meow Moses: Your Honor, where I come from, one can never have too many pearls. That is why I own eight pearl necklaces and several pairs of pearl earrings.
Judge Judy: I see. Did you bring the damaged necklace with you here today?
Grandma Meow Moses: Yes Your Honor.
Judge Judy examined the necklace by squinting her eyes and peering through a magnifying glass.
Judge Judy: Is it this mark right here? She pointed.
Grandma Meow Moses: Yes. That is it, Your Honor.
Judge Judy: It is difficult to find the nick. I don't think I would call this necklace a total ruin.
Grandma Meow Moses: Your Honor it is destroyed for me. All I can see is that tooth mark when I look at it. And that triggers my anxiety disorder. I have not been able to wear it since that terrible day. And it was always my very favorite necklace. It came from the queen you know.
Judge Judy: Yes, I heard. When was this terrible day?
Grandma Meow Moses: It was August 4, 2022, just after ten am.
Judge Judy: $5000.00 seems like a lot of money for a pearl necklace. Do you have proof that this necklace is worth $5000.00 and that it was indeed a gift from Queen Elizabeth?
Tuna: No. She doesn't! And she has never been to Buckingham Palace.
Judge Judy: Silence!
Another glare was aimed at Tuna.
Grandma Meow Moses: Your Honor, I don't have proof of the value or that it came from the queen, but everyone knows that I always speak the truth.
The judge stared blankly at Grandma, rolled her eyes and turned toward Tuna.
Judge Judy: Mr. Tuna? Is that your name?
Tuna: I go by Tuna.
Judge Judy: Tuna, you are countersuing this sweet little old lady for a dentist bill in the amount of $1545.38, that you believe should be reimbursed because her pearl necklace stopped your tooth from sinking into her neck and it was chipped in the process?
Tuna: Yes, Your Honor.
Judge Judy: Do you have proof that you paid $1545.38 to your dentist?
Tuna: I paid in cash. I cannot have the permanent crown put on until I make another installment of $325.00. This crown I have now is only temporary. I am out of money and I have no dental insurance. So.
Judge Judy: Never pay in cash. Why is it that everybody who comes to my court pays with cash? Do you have a receipt?
Judge Judy: That is surprising. You paid in cash and have no receipt. Without a receipt you have no proof. Without any proof you have no claim. And on top of that, I understand this incident occurred when you were trying to cause harm to Ms. Moses.
Tuna: Your Honor, I was not trying to cause harm.. I was trying to kill her.
Judge Judy: Do you understand that murder is against the law? That you could go to jail for such a crime?
Tuna: Not when it is in self defense.
Grandma Meow Moses: Ha! Bull Crap!!
Judge Judy glared at Grandma and held her finger to her lips.
Judge Judy: Self defense from a little old lady who is hard of hearing, has cataracts and no front claws?
Tuna: She has been poisoning my food.
Grandma Meow Moses: I have not. That's bull crap!
Judge Judy: Do not speak unless I ask you to speak. Do you understand me Grandma?
Grandma Meow Moses: Yes ma'am.
Judge Judy: How do you know that this sweet little thing here with the pearls and potty mouth is poisoning your food?
Tuna: Because I throw up whenever I eat it.
Grandma Meow Moses: Your Honor, he only throws it up when he inhales it. He is such an idiot that he doesn't take time to chew it.
Judge Judy: Silence. I will not have this free for all in my court.
The judge then glared at everyone in the room for ten seconds.
Judge Judy: Tuna is it true that you do not chew your food before swallowing?
Tuna: Of course I chew my food. But it's hard with this temporary crown. I have to be careful not to swallow it you know.
Judge Judy: Does your food look like it has been digested when it comes back up?
Tuna: No Your Honor. It happens almost immediately.
Grandma Meow Moses: That is because he doesn't chew it.
Judge Judy: Enough!
First of all, I find it interesting that you are suing and countersuing in the exact amount of $5000.00 each, which just so happens to be the highest amount that can come before my bench. Secondly, I do not handle murder or attempted murder cases. And thirdly, you are both liars. Grandma, being the age you are, sometimes imagination and reality can become confusing. But I do not blame you for living in a fantasy world down there in your assisted living apartment.
Tuna, you are a bully. You cannot expect to be reimbursed for an amount you have no proof of paying, especially when you were going in for the kill at the time of the chip.
I want you to apologize to Ms. Moses, buff out that microscopic nick in her Queen Elizabeth necklace and attend a court ordered anger management course.
Ms. Moses, although I find Mr. Tuna to be guilty of being an ass, I expect you to accept his apology without using any profanity.
Grandma Meow Moses: But!
Judge Judy: No buts. I also ask that you stop spitting on his food and that you wear that necklace again. Not everyone has a pearl necklace from a queen, you know.
I award you both $5000.00 for your creativity in creating complete havoc in my courtroom. But they cancel each other out. So, you are both screwed and in the end receive nothing. That is my final judgement.
These cases are dismissed.
Grandma Meow Moses: But!
Judge Judy: WE ARE DONE!!
Here comes Grandma Meow Moses.
"Ms. Moses, how do you feel about your day in court?"
"I am just happy that I won. It will be nice to get my hands on $5000.00 and to hear an apology from that dickhead. I will definitely turn on my hearing aid that day. But I highly doubt the anger management class will do him any good."
"Ma'am, I am not sure you understood correctly about the $5000.00. Were you really poisoning Tuna's food? Ms. Moses? Excuse me? Where are you?..."
Apparently Grandma did not hear that last question.
Here comes the defendant.
"Tuna, how do you feel about your day in court?"
"I knew I would look fabulous and come out on top like I always do. And that little old BI was finally exposed for who she really is."
"How do you plan to pay for your crown now that there is no money to be awarded?"
"Oh. I can always get that from Millie and Sven. My parents are loaded."
"When do you plan to make your apology to Ms. Moses?"
"But, it was court ordered."
"The next time I get close enough for her to realize that I am right there next to her neck. And then just before....."
"Just before what? Sir? Tuna? Where are you going? Does this mean the Who's Who of Who is Attempting to Murder Who Series, Season One, is over?"
Well, I guess that's all for now folks.