The Hunter and Tuna Connection


Hunter's side of the story.
I do not hate Tuna.
It's just that I am a dog.
In my opinion Tuna is best fresh out of a can.
This stay safe at home situation is hard on everybody.
Have you seen all the stories about it on the TV?
I have.
And yeah.
I saw the one about that little wiener dog in the UK who sprained his tail from wagging it too much.
And they were all like, "Oh, how cute is that?"
Let's be real.
That little wiener dog did not want to be wagging his tail all the damn time.

It is just that that is what little wiener dogs do when they are around their people.
And their people are not supposed to be around their little wiener dogs twenty-four-seven.
That is not cute.
That is just plain old too much tail wagging time.
Remember when you all used to go to the office for the day and you said hello and smiled at everybody? You made your small talk about the weather and such? And you went to all those meetings and had conversations about matters that you could have cared less about? And you had to answer all those ridiculous emails politely and not write what you really wanted to say to your boss?
And how exhausted you were by the time you would walk in your door?
Remember that?
And remember how we would be all excited to see you and how we would go for a walk right away? You wouldn't even have time to take off your coat or go pee?
And then we would play tug-o-war after you gave us a treat after our walk?
And then when you would sit down and we would want a drink of water right then, but the seat wouldn't be up and the light wouldn't be on so you would have to get up again?
And then remember how as soon as you sat down for the second time we would want a flip chip or maybe we would want to go outside? Or else we wouldn't know what we wanted, but we knew we wanted something?
And then you would say stuff like, "Hunter, I just want to sit down! You are killing me."
Those were the good old days.
Weren't they?
Well now you are here.
And we are here.
All day.
Sometimes a dog would just like to sit down and snore a little.
But instead of getting a decent nap you people and your cats want to go for walks because they keep saying that it is good to go for walks on the TV.
Sometimes you want to go for three or four walks in one day.
Some of us would prefer a little peace and quiet.
What is with all the vacuuming?
But what I would really like to talk about today is the danger that is lurking that nobody ever mentions.
Lately all we dogs hear is stuff like, "Hunter! Stop that. You be nice to Tuna! What is the matter with you?"
Like it is always our fault that we trying to take off their heads.
Our world is falling apart.
It is total chaos.
We are no longer able to enforce the rules, with you in the house.
All you little Tuna bastards out there who are sitting on our mom's laps and sticking your tongues out at us?
You better look out for when this whole thing blows over.

Tuna's side of the story.
Oh. Things are great.
They let me out every time I scratch at the door.
They let me in every time I scratch at the door.
They let me out every time I scratch at the door.
And if they don't hear me scratch at the door, I can always hang from the screen and somebody will come along and let me in.
I can curl up in my bed.
I can curl up on my chair.
Or I can curl up on my mom's lap.
I have the whole loft to myself because there is a baby gate to keep Hunter out.
Hunter is this really cool old crabby geezer of a dog that lives with us.
He doesn't mind.
My mom said she doesn't want to have to call the fire department if he decides to go up the stairs and then can't make it back down.
She says the fire department is busy enough.
Hunter and I have a game we like to play.
Every time I ask for a treat Hunter gets a treat too.
Every time Hunter asks for a treat I get a treat too.
We are totally tag teaming it on the treats.
We go for lots and lots of walks.
Sometimes three or four in one day.
Hunter and I chase squirrels together.
I helped him go after a deer yesterday.
But I am not sure he saw me.
We are really starting to bond.
He didn't used to like me.
But I think all this stuff about acts of kindness on the TV are getting to him.
He hasn't even tried to kill me for a couple of weeks.
And you know what else I just love?
The sound of a vacuum.
It is very soothing to listen to someone cleaning your house while you are upstairs resting in a sunny window.
I hope whatever this whole pandemic thing is all about never ends.


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