The Tooth Fairy
I was under the impression that if I ever published a book, balloons would fall from the sky and everything in the world would be perfect. I would float away on a cloud. I would be the definition of Zen. But you know what? I am still a total bitch when I can't find my sunglasses. I still get huffy when Sven leaves his shit all over the place. And I still go berserk when Hunter runs in the door fresh from the pond, and shakes. Who knew? Life is full of little disappointments. Remember when you were a kid in the dark of the night and you heard your bedroom door open? And then you saw silhouettes of your parents standing in the hall? And then your dad tip-toed into your room and your mom stayed behind, with her hands on her hips? And your dad was making his way toward your bed, so you closed your eyes tight and pretended to be asleep? And then remember how he gently slid his hand under your pillow and then he silently walked away and vanished? Yeah, I do too. I immediately stuck my hand under the pillow to see how much cash-o-l-a my missing tooth was worth. It was a front one so I figured it would be big money. Well, it was worth one nickel and one dime. A nickel and a dime is not a lot of money. That is fifteen cents. And fifteen cents is not much when you consider that the very action of receiving that nickel and that dime, underminded my entire existence. I don't mean to bitch but, I am good at it. A person should run with what they have. Never waste a talent. First of all, if you are going to give a kid fifteen cents to put into her piggy bank, you should either use fifteen pennies or three nickels or one nickel and ten pennies or else two nickels and five pennies. It is all about the coins clanking in the pig. A nickel and a dime will take no time at all to drop in the slot. And dimes never did make enough noise. They have always been too skinny. Second of all, up until that very moment, I'd believed in the tooth fairy. This certainly shook up my world. Suffering from astonished disappointment, alone in the black, is tough to take and the mind begins to wander. "If there is not a tooth fairy, what the hell else is there NOT?!" I'd been suspicious of the Easter Bunny all along. "What about Santa Claus?" "Please do not tell me there is no Santa." "What about God?" "How come there are so many different religions? I don't get that." "What about our country?" The teacher told us that the kids over in Russia were being brain washed and the only news they ever saw was what the government put on their TV. My hand goes straight up. She calls on me. "What do you mean Millie?" she says. "I mean, how do we know that what you are teaching us is real? If they are being lied to in Russia, how can we be sure that we aren't being lied to? Maybe we are being lied to about them being lied to." Do you see what that little tooth fairy faux pas started? Millie Noe, non believer of all things. Simply because of a nickel and a dime. The day before I'd made the mistake of telling my mother that Sarah found fifty cents under her pillow. "Fifty cents? For a tooth? That is ridiculous." "Well, Kent got a dollar." "A dollar? What in God's name?! That is just asinine." At least I wouldn't have to spend the rest of my life pondering the monetary inconsistencies of a fairy who seemed to favor the children of doctors, lawyers and architects. It all made perfect sense. And there in my bed, I understood that fifteen cents was a lot of money. It was probably all the change in my dad's pocket. It was July. Summers were lean times. My tooth fairy was a teacher. Even though he always picked up a summer job, there were too many of us in the tiny house to keep in popsicles and ice cream sandwiches when we heard the music of the ice cream truck coming our way. And thirdly, in case you forgot that I am numbering my complaints I am on number three. Thirdly I'd been disappointed. Millie Noe sucks at handling disappointment of any kind. You see, I had been super excited when I went to bed that night. The tooth fairy was coming to visit me, unless she forgot. About once every third tooth or so, she did forget. My mom said it was because she must have been too busy. But, if she did forget, she always showed up the next night. So now, laying there, staring at the ceiling, I had nothing to look forward to in the morning. There would be no SURPRISE! There was fifteen cents under my pillow. I already knew that. And there was no tooth-fairy. It was just my dad. He didn't have wings or a wand. He couldn't fly. He didn't even have hair. And I had a sneaking suspicion that my front tooth was already in the bottom of the trash, via my mother's quick toss. Number four: I had to carry on with the lie. AWKWARD. I wasn't going to tell Louisa and Kiki that nothing in life was real. The world had just become complicated. I became an adult. I was eight. Last Friday at 5:30 AM I clicked on a button that said, 'Approve.' A green check was marked next to the word publish. I brushed my teeth. I took a shower. And I went to work, where I spent a below average day. Sven and I drove to my mother's condo and we brought two Pu-Pu Platters along from the Chinese restaurant to share. My mom and my sister, Louisa, said, "Congratulations Millie!" I said, "Thank you." And found a beer. Sven and I drove home a few hours later. And that is when I cried. "What's the matter?" says Sven. "I thought balloons would fall from the sky." "What are you talking about?" "Because I published my book," I said. "I thought the heavens would open up and balloons would fall down on me. Hundreds of them." And then Sven apologized for being Norwegian. The next day I was busy making two and a half tons of cheesy potatoes for our granddaughter's graduation party. I came around the corner and ran into Elmo on a string. He was tied to a stick and he was sitting in my computer chair. He didn't look too good. I think he had a leak. But I smiled. "I love you," I texted to my sweet Sven. And then he says, "Well, I was on my way to the Little Store when I saw him lying in the ditch. I knew you wanted a balloon, Millie, so I turned around and I picked him up." Millie Noe for President can now be purchased on Amazon.com in paper back and will be available in kindle form a little later this summer. There is also a shipment heading my way that is in a one paddled canoe. A shopping cart is in the works, so that you can order directly from this site in the near future. In the meantime, shoot me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org or message me on Facebook and I will gladly make arrangements to send you a signed copy. Thank you so much for reading Millie. Sven told me that you are my balloons. I hate it when he is right.