The last time I renewed my driver’s license they said it would be good for eight years. I remember thinking, “Maybe eight years will never come.” Not because I didn’t think I would live for eight years, because eight years is a long time.
I got a letter from the DMV. They seem to think that eight years is already up. I know. I couldn’t believe it either.
But get this, the letter says that I can now get a REAL ID instead, for the same low price as a regular driver license. I thought my driver’s license was a real ID. I guess it’s a real driver’s license, but it’s not a REAL ID. A REAL ID has three mug shots plastered on it. According to the document if I decide to go for a REAL ID, I will need to bring all kinds of information along, birth certificate, social security card, marriage license, divorce papers, second marriage license and tons of family history, including any affairs and all four legged pets, going back to the 1800’s.
It sounds like a royal pain. But it also says that once acquired you can get on a plane. Yeah, I know, I was under the impression that I could get on a plane already. It’s kinda like having a passport but it’s only good in the states. I don’t think it’s an automatic pass to first class or anything like that, but I believe that with it you can order a drink, if you can flag down a stewardess and you won’t get carded, well, I won’t get carded.
But you see, I have an aversion to renewing my driver’s license. I have an aversion to most anything that requires official documents, parallel parking, standing in line over my lunch hour, eye tests, tests of any kind, rubber stampers and the letters DMV, in any order.
Remember that first day of school when you were sitting in a not yet trashed desk, admiring your brand, spanking, white, tennis shoes and your new teacher was up there giving an overview of the year ahead? Then she ruined the moment by telling the class right off the bat that in the third quarter everyone would be required to give a thirty minute oral report, on some part of the human anatomy. “So start researching now,” she said. “This will be one half of your grade.” Well, if that didn’t wreck my mood, nothing could have. I spent months worrying about the presentation. Every night in bed after finishing my prayers and asking the good lord to bless all the people I knew, name after name, after name and then adding, just in case I’d missed someone, “PLEASE JUST BLESS EVERBODY,” my thoughts would drift to the dreaded report and a pall would come over me. But then I would think, “It’s not until February. February is a long ways away. Maybe February will never come.” February did come. So did eight years.
Welcome to Le Condo.
Officiale BS Business
I returnez le foil du tin that I borrowed from le mere. Louisa borrowed le mere’s carrier por les chats.
Ma mere said, “Vous see it was 4:30 en le matin et ma detector por les smokes started to beep. So, I got out du ma bed por to get le ladder.” This es when ma soeur gasped et said, “Non! Ma Mere! Vous should not be doing that.” Ma Mere said, “Then le beeping arrestez so I climbed back ento ma bed.” Le BS Club Membres said, “That es bon.” Ma Mere said, “Mais then, that après noon it started up avec les beeps again.” Le Club de BS Membres said, “Non.” Then ma mere said, “So, I called ma neuvaux neighbor that livez up les stairs.” “Oh,” said le Club. “That es bon.” “Oui,” said Ma Mere. “Mais he was not home.” “Oh,” said Le Club, “that es too bad.” “Mais,” said Ma Mere, “he answered on his phone du cell.” “Oh,” said le Club de BS, “That es bon.” Ma mere said, “Oui. He said, I will come over to le condo when I arrivez home et I will changez les batteries por vous.” “Oh,” said le Club de BS membres, “That es bon.” “Oui,” said Ma Mere. Then Giselle parlezed on por un while about une neuvaux tea called ‘Breathe Easy.’ “Le first cup was tres horrible, mais I choked it down et now I have une cup every jour. I can feel it open mes lungs right up.” Then I said, “Clementine are vous all ready por ce wedding?” (Clementine’s fille es getting married on Saturday en le Carolina that es Nord. Et she es flying out tomorrow matin at 6:00 a.m.) Clementine said, “I am all packed et ready por to go. It will be tres excitemente. Mais I have un pall over moi.” “Un pall over vous?” Said le Club Membres? What es un pall?” Clementine said, “Vous know what un pall es. I have been crying at le drop du un chateau all jour.” “Vous have been crying?” said le club. “Oui, vous see, mon ami that es ma best ami got married et now he es moving away to le Isle that es Rhodes, ce next week.” I said, “Who do vous mean?” Clementine said, “Michele.” Le Club said, “Michele got married?” “Oui, Michele married Etien.” Ma Mere said, “Who es Michele et who es Etien?” Clementine said, “Michele es le frère du Jean et Etien es un jeune stud that es full de les muscles that riplez. Michele et Etien met en July et had une romance avec le whirl et le wind. They flew to Le Isle that es Rhodes por to get married a few weeks ago, parce que it es legal there. Etien got une job en Le Isle that es Rhodes, so that es porquoi they es moving there. Michele es tres happy, mais I am not. I am going por to miss him. I have un pall over moi.” Giselle said, “How do vous spell this, pall?” Clementine said, “Je ne sais pas.” Ma Mere said, “I have not heard that expressionne before.” Clementine said, “What, vous haven’t heard that?” Then I heard Giselle say, “Stupide phone!” I beat her to it. I found it on ma phone du cell et I read, “Un pall, es like un cloak full du les dark et les ominous feelings that es draped over vous.” “That es it!” said Clementine, “That es un pall. I have un pall over moi.” Giselle was still bitching at her phone du cell. Clementine went on, “I am en une transitionne. Les transitionnes es le hardest part du life. Les transitionnes SUCK!!.”